“I’m leaving,” I laughed, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. I had been on my feet ever since I woke up at 6am and it was now 4pm. 14hrs of being awake, present, aware, my IQ and EQ at full power.
“Sure,” my classmate replies and heads off to see more patients to talk to in the hospital. Where does she get the energy from? Both of us have been spending the same hours and yet she has the capacity to continue on after I left the hospital.
Being surrounded by high achievers means this is always the case: there are always people who are doing more and I’m the only one who chooses to stop. There’s a nagging feeling that I’m not enough. I’m not speaking to enough patients, I’m not speaking to enough doctors to build my network, I’m not studying enough, I’m not enough. My classmates don’t just study hard. They also spend their time gymming/training twice a week, volunteering on weekends and sitting on committees to spearhead events. It seems it’s insufficient to be good at one thing. You must be good in multiple aspects simultaneously. I don’t do any of these.
All I want to be is average and happy and that in itself requires lots of strength. It takes lots of strength to tell myself it’s enough to be average. It takes self-confidence to walk away from extra committments to boost my CV, to reassure myself I’m not losing out. It takes so much courage to walk my own path, a slow path. I don’t intend to be one of the smart doctors. I just want to be the safe and kind one. Importantly, I hope there’s room for average people. I know it makes sense to choose the shiniest stars but I hope my quiet light is noticed too(especially by my future bosses)