My 21st birthday blogpost is here(21: Adulthood)and I read it before I started writing this year’s. Wow. What a change. I was calm and savoring my last moments of tranquility and stability in my life before the storm or that’s what I thought in 2017. I honestly believed I was getting married in June 2018 but here I am, happy, relieved and god, I thought it would take a meteorite to stop that wedding but it took much less. It isn’t complete joy for it was an amalgamation of emotions and fights.
This year, I celebrated my birthday 6,796 miles away from home. This was my first birthday away from family, my first time staying away from them for more than a week. The outpouring of love from home makes me more determined to be a better, more considerate daughter when I go back. My mum made fish curry, froze it and sent it to me when my sibling came to visit me, I was in tears when I had that for lunch. Did I mention my mum cooks the best fish curry in the world? Travelling with my sibling, going around on my own and trying to be comfortable with being the outsider was not easy but I needed it to mature and to be an adult. I’ll treasure these few months of ‘bachelor life’ when I did things all on my own.
On another note, we are selling away the house, the house that prompted me to write my first blog post (This post is a must read, I’m so emotional in it. hey 2021 you, this post isn’t here). It had been home for the past 8 years, the longest we had ever stayed in the same apartment. We were always on the move and I never did any decoration to my room like normal teenage girls because I knew we would be moving out at some time. I have friends who have stayed in the same house since their birth but we are always on the move, always selling, buying, renting. This year has changed so much and so much for good. We are excited about moving to a new place even though it’s for rent. My mum finally gets it that my ex-fiancé was a terrible choice for me, that good things come to those who do good, my little brother started first grade, I don’t see my other brother much as he’s so busy in school. My dad is still my hero.
I am extremely anxious as I head into my final year of studies. I wrote the GAMSAT paper and I felt terrible at how I fared for the science section despite me being a science undergrad and the unknown world of applications looms ahead. I am worried about my CV, whether it will be enough and the burden of so many people’s hopes weighs the heart down instead of lifting it up. This is the stage where I seek redemption. Yet, I am a little less anxious than the 2017 me for coming down to UK and meeting other young people has showed me that there are many ways to live life.
On the spiritual side, I miss my mosque kids. They told me, “We love you the most out of all the teachers because you sit with us for lunch.” I miss God. When I wake up at 2.30am to heat up food and eat sahoor during Ramadan, I’ll probably ask God, “Can you hear me? I’m awake in the middle of the night all alone for you.”